How to Be…Mercurial.

by Lindsay Timmington

This post brought to you by Mercury in retrograde.

Which was supposed to end last week. Right?

Due to lingering effects from this nutty time of year when even tying your shoes becomes trying I’m going to throwback to 2003 when I wrote a poem about a particularly harrowing experience with tights. Because right now-the tights are a metaphor for my life.

THE TIGHTS ARE MY LIFE.

ODE TO THE TIGHTS

My tights began a simple pair

Cotton, black, no runs anywhere.

But as usage tupped times two and three

My tights began to turn on me.

A battle waged and as I fought

within the tights my foot got caught.

All tangled in the black abyss

things began to go amiss.

My balance gone, and patience too

I hopped around inside the loo.

Though struggle, struggle as I may

the tights got the best of me that day.

On the floor in a frenzied heap

I gave up and began to weep.

Mascara streamed, Lorinda said, “Oh hon,”

as I cried and admitted,

“The tights…they won.”

(Shout out to Lorinda who stuck with me well beyond our college years and who has seen me through a number of beyond embarrassing experiences.  I love you, lady.)

Post Script: This selfie illustrates what happens when you hit yourself in the face with a hand weight during a p90x workout.

Post Script: This selfie illustrates what happens when you hit yourself in the face with a hand weight during a p90x workout. Some things you can’t blame on mercury in retrograde.