How to Be…Up Shit Creek.
by Lindsay Timmington
The story of a girl who lived in the city, who’s life, well, it got kind of shitty. My toilet began a simple thing Never a leak, nary a ring. But as I went and continued to flush the water, it swirled and started to rush. It circled round, and round some more until downstairs at the great hummus store- The owner he hollered, cried out in alarm as my toilet, it turned and began to do harm. With water leaking on fresh pita bread, dripping on floors and customers heads- my landlord was called and a great fuss arose cause my john it was leaking and a problem it did pose. The plumber came out, he said with a clang to make sure shower and sink weren’t part of the gang. And sure as could be as he raised up his wrench, said “The toilet it is! And, “That’s quite the stench.” That’s what I heard From out where I sat and all I could think was “He DIDN’T say that!” But wait-I digress I was talking bout’ loos and the mess mine was causing this was terrible news. A new part was needed and the plumber left to get it. But he never came back and just left a pit. Before leaving that day as he covered his crack, he said “don’t flush now, you hear? cause I’m coming right back. See each time you flush, things they just go awry and if the store gets more water, well the owner, he’ll cry. So hold it real tight, do those kegels and wait cause I’ll just get that part and I won’t be too late.” But the night it wore on and the plumber stayed gone and my bladder was filling, my anxiety killing and I called him right up and said please come right back come right back in a hurry I can’t hold it much longer and just ate some curry. “No can do,” he replied “family emergency here- i’ll come back tomorrow but til then now, please listen— i’m not trying to be mean, but don’t you dare, don’t you dare flush that latrine.” I hung up the phone and thought, “well fuck it- if i can’t use the toilet i’ll just find a bucket.” No bucket in sight I was back to square one when an ingenious friend said, “Oh, that’s easy, hon. just go as you need to and then you see wait til right before he comes back- -now listen to me- you must make the flush count cause you only get one. So when you wake tomorrow do what you need to do and before opening the door you then flush the loo. In the store it may sprinkle and yes that’s a pain but if you are lucky, outside it will rain. So go, my friend, eat some cookie dough batter and just remember- one flush-make it matter. The next morning it came, and so did the plumber, delivering some news, that was really a bummer. my commode had to go it just wouldn’t do the bottom all rusted and well, the thing was just poo. So he left once again to go get supplies but this is the part that made my eyes cry. He took with him my toilet yes, you know the old one, cause i couldn’t be trusted not to cause a great flood. But now i was boiling right down to my blood. No toilet? No potty? How long would this last? I now had to go! Quite urgently! FAST! I paced round my house toiling over first world issues then I found some kleenex and in my pocket tucked tissues. I headed outside figuring, lots of people did it- i’d find a patch of grass in a spot kinda hidden. Kinda hidden in New York what the hell was I thinking I slunk back home, my heart heavy and sinking. As I climbed up the stairs and opened the door I walked into the bathroom and glanced down at the floor. The space was empty save a lonely toilet paper roll and the tools that surrounded… A BIG GIANT HOLE. “Holy crap!” I thought- “This is it! I’ve got it!-” If he doesn’t come back, the solutions been spotted. You take my potty when I only flushed once I promise you, (and I’m not being naughty) I’ll go in that hole, I’ll do it, I will– Not for rebellion, and not for a thrill. A girl’s gotta go, man And never so more, when you take her toilet and head to the store. So it’s in your best interest to get back here soon otherwise you’ll be the one singing a sad, dirty tune. And do it, he did. Returned just in time with a shiny new toilet that Fable liked fine. Some loud noises later and lots of good grout he packed up his stuff and then headed out. I shut the door behind him and headed back in, towards my brand new clean toilet I could now flush again. That’s my story, and it’s entirely true. I bet you have to go now, I bet you, you do.