How to Be…Minnesotan

by Lindsay Timmington

Dear Minnesota,

It’s 11:45 pm on April 10, 2013.

I think we can all agree that April is a month that commonly falls in the spring category of the seasonal calendar and yet,  I’m hesitant to take my dog outside one final time this evening because you know what?

I DON’T WANT TO SEE ANYMORE STINKIN’ SNOW WHEN I OPEN THE DOOR.

I get it.  You’re Minnesota.  You throw snow at us til the bitter end of spring.  Ask anyone who doesn’t live here the first thing they think of when they think of Minnesota and they’ll likely say, “Oooohhh, I hear the winters there are TERRIBLE.”   If it’s not that, it’s about the Mall of America and you know what?  Right now, you’re making the Mall of America look pretty damn good cause there ain’t no snow in there.

Frankly, I think you’re taking your status as extreme weather state a little too seriously.  We get it.  We can’t and have no right to predict when our seasons will change.   You’ll drag us out of the depths of a seriously cold and snowy winter and spread a little sunshine and warmth around when you’re good and ready.  We’re at your mercy.  We know.

But don’t you think you’re being a little conceited with this?  You’re like the star quarterback sauntering around the halls of high school with your letter jacket adorned with things that come on letter jackets to show your worth (I didn’t have one, can you tell?) and then firing the football down the crowded hallway to show how amazingly, athletically agile you are even though we just watched you win the game the night before.

We know.  You’re amazing.  You have unparalleled powers of  weather-i-ness and I bow to your ability to provide us with a snowstorm OR a heat wave in April.  You are king of weather.  If I bow to you and say “All Hail” will you give me some hail?   And some good ol’ fashioned foundation-shaking thunderstorms?  And how bout some puddles to jump into and then squeal over with joy the same way I did last December when it first snowed?

Right now you’re pushing it.  Most of us who live here like the snow, even ENJOY it but think on this: I love broccoli (eh-who am I kidding-I love mashed potatoes) but even though I love mashed potatoes,  I do not want to eat them  for dinner every night for six months, OKAY?   That ol’ saying, “too much of a good thing” (there’s probably more to that saying, but I don’t remember-my brain has been eaten by winter) is directly applicable here.  To the snow.  To the winter.  Too much.  No more.  Buh-bye snow.

We, as a state, as a bunch of hearty Minnesotans who have a strong stomach for weather and an ability to trudge through damn near everything NEED A FREAKING BREAK.  People are going crazy here.  Legit crazy.  We’re kvetching and complaining and talking about this-snow! like it’s actually worthy of discourse, when there are a million other important things, huge problems in our community and our world that we should be focusing and spending our energy on.  We’re walking around like crazy people, desperate to be outside, resorting to wearing highly inappropriate clothing like flip flops and shorts in 35 degree weather because we’re so damn desperate for some spring.  I’ll admit, at one point last week I actually thought–“It’s gotta be like the law of attraction, right? If I dress like I’m going to a spring fling then spring will have to show up, right?”  But I didn’t get spring.  I just got a cold.  Thanks.

So there.  You’re amazing.  There are many reasons to love living here.  And some of them even have to do with weather.  But perhaps when we’re nearing the end middle of a month that’s better known as a month of rain showers and puddles and sun and rising temperatures you could go ahead and hold off on a snowstorm?  Save it for next winter, eh?  Give us a six-seven month reprieve and we’ll be back and ready to relish in your glory.  To stick out our tongues and catch snow flakes.  To build snowman and go sledding.  To love that we live in a state where we get a bonafide winter.  To squeal with glee when snow is in the forecast rather than beginning to look at the snow shovel as a weapon.  Just a break, a little one, with a proper spring and summer and fall.  And then we’ll be back on board.  Okay?

Thanks, Minnesota.  You’re the best.  Also.  After you cancel the Spring of 2013 snowstorm can you make sure that the MN Twins have an amazingly good year?

Thanks,

Lindsay

P.S.   I know what you’re gonna do here.    Now that I’ve openly complained about something as mundane and ridiculous as weather  you’re gonna give us sunshine and temps in the fifties tomorrow and I’ll look like a giant asshole.

Sounds like a fair trade.  Let’s do this.

Love,

Asshole.

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